The Guilt In Me
Annette screamed out as pain and anguish filled her; the excruciating pain in her heart is just too much bear. “Oh God….” She whimpered. “I did it all; I caused it….” She cried out. “I allowed all these to happen……, I put all these on myself….” She crouched to her knees in tears.
“I did not even protect her, I could not…….” She held her chest in pain.
She had just committed her fourth abortion amongst others. It’s been two days since she went through the horrific experience, but the darkness and bitterness in her heart were unbearable.
The image that comes to her each time she closes her eyes has eluded her from sleeping for days now. The voices in her head and flashing images have been tormenting her.
“I was so selfish, all I cared about is myself; I have destroyed lives, I have destroyed people all for the sake of my own gain; I have destroyed homes…….” her hands and knees trembling so fast that they could not hold her still. “God! What have I done to myself……., who am I?” she screamed out.
All her life has been one setback to another, living a reckless life; Annette has done so much abominable to her body; given her body in exchange for money and every other material thing; gone through abortion so many times, luring men out of their homes into her seductive bed. She’s turned women into single parents just because their men have been sold out to her and made children fatherless. All these have been done in total contempt to life.
Now, she felt her life was over, she sees all the evil she’s done right in front of her and all her sins and evil are all before her. The pain, hurt, agony, wickedness, selfishness; every evil she’s done are all labelled all over her. She trembled on the floor, shaking in fear; the guilt was unbearable; she knew what she has to do now.
She has to pay for her sins, the thick darkness all around her was overwhelming, an indication of her evil deeds. Then, she felt herself getting up from the floor and walking towards a long corridor; every step carried in shame and scorn. On her body were written all the wickedness and things she did to herself and others, she just couldn’t get away from them, no matter how she shook her body, they had become part of her. She could see them written plainly on her. That was it! The guilt became her torment.
Her eyes filled with tears; she had not always been like this, everything she did was not what she had imagined her life to be. She never thought she would sell her body all in the name of pleasure, enjoyment and money; she never once considered she would abort any baby in her life term, let alone several pregnancies. She never imagined what she would do to families after having the best parents in her life, those who loved her unconditionally and stayed together in love. She knew what love is and yet deprived some families of having this.
As she walked towards the door, she knew she has to pay for all these; her sins were all plain to her. Few meters away, she saw the door and written on it is, ‘Door of Condemnation, Guilt and Destruction’. She knew that door was meant for her, her sins have condemned her, her guilt was all over her and she is meant for destruction. Her eyes were fixed on the door as the tears streams down her face.
Just then, she saw a man standing not too far away from the door; at first, she tried to ignore him and still focus on the door but you just can’t ignore him. He had the most beautiful face she has never seen. His figure is like that of a man, from his waist up he looked like glowing metal, as if full of fire and from there down he looked like fire, and brilliant light surrounding him like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds. She stood still, unable to beyond his face. She felt breathless; again, her feet were failing her as they started to tremble, she leant against the wall at her right side as she shivered in fear.
The darkness all around her was fading, the illuminating light from the man was overcoming the whole place. She felt as if the whole place was shaking; she couldn’t understand how a presence of a one man could do all these. His light illuminated the whole place.
Suddenly, the whole place became calm and right in front of her was the man. He was filled with holiness and beauty beyond words.
“I have to go through that door…” she whimpered. “I can’t stand being here with you….” She cried, afraid to look at him.
“Why?” His voice was so gentle and calm.
Her head was still bowed. “Because I am wicked……, can’t you see me? I am destined to that door……” She was afraid to look up at him but the hollow in his hands caught her attention.
He noticed her intense gaze on his hands. “I did this for you…” He said to her.
“Me!” she gasped. “How? Why?”
“I paid the price for all your sins; for every sins, shame and condemnation, I paid the price so you wouldn’t have to go through that door…” He pointed to the door.
Annette shook her head vigorously.
“No, you don’t understand; I am a terrible person; I have done so much evil and no one can save me.”
He smiled softly at her. “I am that I am; I am the God of mercy, I have given my life for all your sins so you don’t have to live in condemnation. I will forgive your sins and give you a renewed, restored life, a life without blemish….”
“But my sins are many….” She interrupted.
He lowered himself to her position and almost became the same height as she is. Their eyes met and this time she didn’t take her face away. She was awestruck. His face was pure, filled with kindness, love and holiness; she saw the greatness in him, yet his humility and love went before him.
He is God and yet speaks to a mere person like her.
“I have already paid for them all….” He said in the most assuring voice. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
That verse was familiar to her, she’s heard so many born-again Christian quotes that to her several times but she’s only laughed at them but today held a great importance to her.
“I have paid the price Annette, I gave my life for you….All you have to do is confess and repent of your sins. I love you.”
“Me…” she whimpered.
“Yes, you!” he smiled at her.
The truth of his words pierced into her; she felt safe and secured in his presence, she knew only Him can save her from all her sins. She broke down in tears and begged for mercy, she cried for his forgiveness of all her sins, to wash away every iniquity away from her. She confessed every wrong she’s done and continued to weep at his feet.
He picked her up from the floor and used his garment to wipe the tears streaming down her face. Then, he brought her into the most beautiful embrace and held her there.
Annette felt such overwhelming love and peace in his embrace. She felt anew, like a new born baby. She couldn’t believe this feeling; her sense of condemnation and guilt were all gone. She was covered in mercy, in peace that is beyond any human understanding. She felt beautiful from within to her outside. She couldn’t believe how that could be. It was a feeling of purity. It was unbelievable considering all that she had done. She closed her eyes tightly and held so tight on him. She couldn’t even explain these feelings in plain words. She was touched to her soul. She wanted to stay right there in his presence and ever let him go. In fact, she wanted to go with him wherever he went. She just wanted Him close to her heart as long as she lived.
Is there anyone feeling this way this today; are you surrounded by your sins and condemn by them. You feel guilty by the things you’ve done; you think forgiveness and redemption are far away from you. No! You have condemned yourself long enough; there is no sin that is too big that the Lord cannot forgive. The past sins still hold you tight, the ones you cling unto, pulling you down towards the door of destruction.
It is time to do away with them, it is time to go to the throne of mercy and grace and ask for forgiveness. The enemy makes you feel so guilty and makes you think God can never forgive you; he reminds you of how many people you have hurt, many terrible things you have done, he tells you no forgiveness can come to you but that is a big lie.
If you confess and forsake your sin, He is able to forgive you. God sure doesn’t like the things you have done but he still loves you and wants you to come back to him. Stop condemning yourself, stop it! Go before your maker today and He will take the reproach away; He will forgive your sins and heal your heart; he will wash you from every impurity and give you a clean slate. Your sins, he will remember no more. He will take the guilt away.
Written by Abimbola CirclesOfLove.
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Picture Credit: VideoBlocks